Thanks, but NO THANKS for your opinion!

Hey everyone,

I haven't posted a "serious" post in a few days now, so I guess it's time for a more insightful one... ugh...

After returning last night from Ladies Night, I had a very serious discussion with my sister.  

First, I seriously respect and love my sister for being able to put up with my madness and emotions for as long as she has. She is an amazing, patient person that knows how to disarm and disengage me from my usually overwhelming emotions.

Second, she and I spoke about handling criticism.  I have the tendency to ask people for guidance, opinion and direction, then do what I want despite that advice.  This is not to say that I don't take the advice into serious consideration, but I feel that most of the time, I would just like another opinion to consider regarding my options and how to handle a situation.  

She sees this a little differently.  

Her perspective on the way I handle situations is that I take personally the criticism, get defensive, hear what I want to hear or "tune out" what I don't want to hear, then do what I want anyway.   So why should she even give me any advice if I react this way?  Why should she even try to give me her opinion if I just "get mad" at what she has to say?

The worst part is, she's absolutely right. 

So, how do you handle criticism?

According to the article, 11 Reasons You are Unable to Receive Criticism and How to Change That Negative to a Positive, these are reasons why we are unable to recieve criticism:

1. The critic’s motives are not always clear and shows no understanding of your aims and goals
2. The critic assumes the position that there is a universal standard, or method on which the criticism is based and the critic is the sole possessor of the ability to form that measurement
3. The critic shreds your self-esteem leaving you feeling inadequate, hopeless and plain stupid
4. Criticism that is destructive points at you, rather than to the any short fall of your project, or performance
5. The critic makes you feel you are an idiot and therefore deserve to be ridiculed
6. The critic has the attitude of being superior and smarter than you
7. Destructive criticism is always one sided, looking at only the negatives
8. The critic wants you to believe that the criticism must be accepted
9. It informs you of everything the critic believes is wrong, because you don’t have the ability to see it yourself
10. Criticism can be delivered in a snide, sarcastic, snarky, mocking, cynical, thoughtless, mean, spiteful, flippant, arrogant, dismissive, jealous, curt, or annoyed manner
11. The criticism will ‘put-you-in-your-place’ because you are getting ‘too-big-for-your-boots’.

If any of these are reasons why you reject the message's content, you have to keep in mind your critic.  Does your critic have in mind your best interests?  Do you trust this source? 

For me, I keep doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results.  She sees this, wants to offer methods to stop my madness, but because I am stubborn- I don't listen.   I feel like maybe, the NEXT time, it will be different. 

How do I accept criticism?

Before you even make that phone call or talk to anyone, do you genuinely want to know what they have to say?  Is this a problem or issue where you REALLY WANT TO KNOW another opinion- even if it conflicts with what you want to hear?  

• Side note:     If you just want to "bitch" and "complain" to someone, STOP RIGHT THERE.  Don't pick up the phone, don't open your mouth.  Do you want to be complained to?  How do you feel when someone does this to you?   I don't know about you, but if someone complains to me,  especially over the same issue- over and over again-  it gets annoying.  Then, I want to offer them some kind of solution, so they stop bitching to me about the same thing.  But, if you're stubborn like me, and you're still going to complain,  preface by saying, "I just need to get this out to someone, and I don't know if I even want a "solution", but just give me 5 minutes." 

However, if you seek advice, or your listener offers a suggestion, keep in mind these things:

Consider your source

• Do they have your best interests in mind?  
• Are they trying to hurt you, or do they really want you to find a solution to your problem?  
• Keep in mind, YOU were the one seeking advice from THEM.

Put yourself in their shoes

• What would YOU say to YOU?  
• Try to remove yourself from the situation and take the "Balcony Perspective" (Heifetz)

Stay calm

• Am I overreacting?  
• Am I listening to what they have to say?  
• Am I breathing?  
• Pay attention to how you are reacting emotionally, and try to maintain composure. 

LISTEN! 

• Am I instantly coming up with a rebuttal?  
• What are they REALLY saying?  What is the content of the message?
• Can I repeat what they said, either to another or to myself? 

Criticism has the ability to mold us into better or worse versions of ourselves.  Know who YOU are, but be open to suggestion.  If you are doing the same thing over again, and it isn't working- it IS possible to do something different- to CHANGE unsuccessful attempts into new behaviors that lead to success. Be aware of of your shortcomings and work to improve upon them.  

Are you ready and willing to change?   Has "your way" been working?

Anastasia

Always remember:   "Reality is one half of what you perceive of yourself and one half of what others perceive of you"