Doors, Fate, Faith, and Control

Relaxing on a hammock in Caye Caulker, Belize

Hello lovely readers!

I hope you had the chance to read the blog I posted yesterday regarding the topic of "self-validated intimacy."  This was actually a very deep blog for me to post, so if you'd like to read me getting down to the bare honesty and struggles that I've been going through, there is a good place to begin.

With that said, it seems as if things happen in my life that I wouldn't call "fate", yet far to interesting to call just a "coincidence".    I'm not going to go off on a huge philosophical, theological tangent, however the concept of a higher power interests and fascinates me.

I agree with the saying:

 "When one door closes, another opens"

I've noticed in my life, that once I accept something for what it is, and the fact that I cannot do anything about it, and AM OKAY with that, something fascinating happens.  As soon as the acceptance stage hits, doors open that I could have never imagined.  (My problem seems to be that I want to reach that stage before I am ready to, and its almost a false sense of acceptance).  Either way, in order for me to move on with my life, I have to go through a period of genuine acceptance of circumstances, and be content with the fact that I cannot control the situation. 

However, I completely disagree with the saying:

"Everything happens for a reason"

I feel that things happen because we create situations that yield into different situations.  We started on a path that could lead us down other potential paths, with different outcomes.  For instance, my last boyfriend broke up with me.  Well, (in part) what caused that was that I brought past relationship assumptions/behaviors into the current one.  That included mistrust, misplaced validation, insecurities, etc.  Well, if one were to use the argument: 

"Things happened for a reason- maybe you two weren't 'supposed to' be with each other"

I feel this is a completely ridiculous argument.  As living beings, it seems as if we need reasons to help understand things; we construct and assign meaning and value to things, people and situations.  Quite possibly, it might not have worked out.  However, the situation was, I brought in past relationships to the current one.  The path I was on was that of one I'd been on with past relationships.  If things would have worked out with past relationships, I might not have ever moved to Belize, and might not have ever met this boy.  Situations from the past, lead me into new situations.  Also, as I've moved along in life, I can look back and say, "It might not have worked with past relationships.  I'm glad I learned different things about others and myself.  What have I learned from those, to help me have a better relationship with the next person?"

It's what you make of the situation from hereafter.  So, the "reason" is actually constructed afterward.  I don't feel it is some miraculous God-sent message why things didn't work out.  Furthermore, you don't have to construct any reason at all.  It lies in the meaning and value you assign to the situation.  If I just forgot completely about ever dating him, deleted all the pictures, and suppressed all the memories, there wouldn't need to be "a reason".   As far as I'd be concerned, it never even happened.  If I give him no value, if he didn't mean anything to me, I wouldn't need a reason to help understand the situation.

 

A situation like a family member/friend dying (which we'd have nothing to do with), in that instance that saying would be used to help "move on" from the loss.  What can we take positive out of the situation to make the next better?  "Things happened for a reason, they were in a lot of pain...They are in a better place."  Now we feel better in mourning.  We know now, how to move on with our life and potentially handle the next death a little better, because we accepted the situation and assigned meaning. 

So, where lies the distinction between "fate" vs. a "self-driven path"? 

I'd like to distinguish between fate, and having faith.  I believe that the term fate is almost like a "get out of jail free card", and that the argument is: I can do whatever I want, because my "fate" has already been decided.  

Having faith is trusting that things will work out for the best, if I steer down the path in the right direction.  I have faith that if I do certain things, my life will "work out" for the better/best.  Fate is higher power driven, and faith is self driven.  But- this is not to say that you cannot have both...  I struggle with this all the time.  I honestly don't feel that we'll really ever know as humans... however, I buy into the fact that there are some things I can control, and some that I cannot.  

Usually, I try to control the things I cannot, and don't take enough control over the things I can control.

Take control over the things you can control.  Stop assigning meaning, and searching for "reasons" when there might not be any.  Things are going to be the way they are, and if I can truly accept that, doors will open that I could have never imagined.  Concentrate on me and what can be changed within me and my actions to ensure that things "work out" for the best.  

Anastasia

Always remember:   "The only person I can control is me"