28-29 October- 2 Days at Mahogany Hall

Hello friends, 

I know it has been a while since I've been online, and once again, I sincerely apologize for not having internet in the past week.  Here is an update up until RIGHT NOW!!! :)  

28 October

I woke up this morning at 10:30am (after being out until 4am, and falling asleep at 5am), took a shower, and Joe and I cleaned out the 4runner.  We were able to clean out the inside only halfway-  you wouldn't imagine the mud, dirt and rocks that ended up in this car! 

After cleaning our bodies up a bit more, we drove back into San Ignacio Town.

Going into San Ignacio

After stopping in town, we were off to Mahogany Hall.

This Place is AMAZING!  It is in Bullet Tree Falls, Belize, 10 or so minutes out of San Ignacio, and just outside of the small town of Bullet Tree.

Little Police Station on the side of the road

What most of Mainland Belize looks like.

Then off to Mahogany Hall!

The outside can be deceiving, but just wait......

Walking through the massive "old-world, church-style" door at Mahogany Hall, you are instantly transported into a tropical paradise.  Belize has some pretty phenomenal areas, however, this is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been!

Through the doors at Mahogany Hall

Enjoy the beauty of the Mopan River, while dining.  The Birds of Paradise flower reminds me of my Grandmother!

One of the most peaceful places on earth!

Beautiful Birds of Belize live at Mahogany Hall too!

Another YUMMY dinner! Table at Mahogany Hall! 

 

 The friends I've been staying with in Cayo have been waiting for their truck to be picked up, and it was finally ready today.  This means, because I was the only one completely sober, I got to drive the 4Runner off-road style home through the jungle!  It felt amazing to be driving again, as on Ambergris Caye (in San Pedro), I don't have a golf cart, let alone a car!  The town is small enough, even without cars, and I haven't driven since I've been in Belize!

It was absolutely surreal driving through the hills of Belize at night, feeling the presence of Mayans passed, all around us!

When we arrived back to the cabin,  Joe and I stayed up until the wee hours of the morning, telling ghost stories!  

29 October

After a long, scary night of stories last night, the morning came too fast!

We came back to Mahogany Hall to do some work all day, and I'm still here!

I played with the birds, did schoolwork, caught up with my friends, checked email, and relaxed once again by the beautiful Mopan River!

 As it's getting dark here, my tummy is starting to rumble....  I'm going to figure out what is for dinner!

I should be home tomorrow, so the posts will be back to "normal"... hopefully!

Anastasia

Always  remember:  "Just because you don't see it, doesn't mean it's not there"

Update 24-27 October

Hey people-

So I'm still stuck in Cayo with my friends at their "country" house.  It's funny actually because when I think of "country" I think of hot, flat farm land with a million cows and/or cotton fields.  (Much like the environment I grew up in).

From my other post, the land where I stayed is hilly, green, humid, with palm trees- however... still cows.  :)

For the day of my birthday (24 October, Sunday), I blew out my birthday candle which was not on a cake- it was actually an emergency candle for power outages- which we used all night long as the hurricane rattled and rolled the house!

Because we are staying almost literally  in the middle of nowhere, it was pitch black!  Trying to shut all of the windows in the dark was interesting, but it didn't help that it was raining with high winds!  A few hours after, the wind had picked up even more, and we discovered that some of the windows were not shut all the way. Additionally, the door to my room would not stay shut- Joe almost got blown away!

The two days after the storm were spent relaxing at the house- nothing extremely exciting happened, however, we had this yummy meat for dinner on the 26 Oct.

While the longest piece of meat I've ever seen was cooking, I went inside to find my kitty princess Phoenix was making herself comfortable in my room.

27 October, I finally got out of the house!  For me, being cooped up for too long makes me anxious.  We decided to go into San Ignacio Town to play and get internet (thank God).  I was in town long enough to post the update a few days ago: Post-Hurricane Update.

View of San Ignacio

When I came on my trip to Belize two years ago with one of my friends, we stayed in San Ignacio, and ate at Hannah's that had the best lamb curry that I've ever had-  granted, I don't like lamb OR curry, but this was phenomenal.

Yummy salad at Hannah's, San Ignacio Town, Belize.  Look at that starfruit!  Amazing!

After eating at Hannah's, we went to Mr. Greedy's Pizzaria (where I wrote my last blog).  And then we went to the casino- until 4am.

Headed back home to the cabin, to finally crash out around 5am. :)

Anastasia

Always remember:  "Life's short-  you can sleep when you're dead!"

Post-Hurricane Update

Hey everyone!

Thanks for hanging in there upon my absence!  I've not had any internet for the past few days, and let me tell you--- I MISS IT!  I've been staying with some friends in Cayo District, approx 20 min outside San Ignacio Town, Belize, and about 5 miles away from the Guatemalan Border!

View from the Cabin.  Hills are Guatemala.

The trip started with a flight over from San Pedro, Belize to Belize City.  I went with 3 friends, 3 dogs, and my cat. 

Anastasia on Plane over the Belize Barrier Reef 10-23-10

Belize's Reef!

We landed at the Municipal Airport in Belize, went to start the car, and the battery was dead!!!!  We talked a Maya Island Air worker to jump the car for us... 

Tina, Michelle's dog.  Happy to be on land!

After the jump, we drove towards San Ignacio.  We passed the "Sleeping Mayan" mountains.

On the way, we stopped at Barn & Grill and had one of the most yummy burgers EVER!  I HIGHLY RECOMMEND EATING HERE!  Its just off the Western Highway!

After this yummy yummy burger, we continued on to the house.  Stopped at a grocery store to get supplies and they were building another store next to it.  This is how they construct buildings in Belize... this is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen!  I remember on my first trip to Belize, they were building a 3 story building at the time this way!

Then we arrived at the house!

This is a view from the deck-  the "dot" underneath the tree, just above the hood of the car is the Mayan Ruin.

The closeup of the "dot" on the hill!

This are just the pics from Saturday 10-23-10.

I have to get off the computer now, as I'm "borrowing" a local restaurant's internet connection in San Ignacio. :)

I'll post soon... possibly no sooner than Friday though!

Anastasia

Always remember:   "You can turn a bad situation into a good one by changing your perspective"

Hurricane DICK! Coming right for me!

El Castillo at Xunantunich Mayan Ruin, Cayo, Belize

Hello friends!

Sorry to all of you have been awaiting a post.  Currently, Hurricane RICHARD is headed right for my island- Ambergris Caye, Belize.  My favorite storm tracking site:  Stormpulse

I am actually evacuating the island for my BIRTHDAY WEEKEND! (Birthday is Sunday, 24 Oct, tomorrow).... 

I am going to stay at a friend's place in Cayo District, and probably will not have internet access within the next few days, however, will take millions of pics and will post as soon as I head into town to pick up internet. We might go horseback riding, or even to the Xunantunich Mayan Ruins!

Thank you for your patience!  Love you all!!! :)

Anastasia

Always remember:   "Better safe than sorry!"

Thank "God" for One Less Sociopath

Hello everyone-

I told you I'd put out another blog for the night, and this one is based on an event that happened within the last week, here in San Pedro.  

On the 18 October, Ricardo Caveras, a local "businessman" was arrested.  There are many different articles that have basically the same information (cited below).   Mr. Caveras allegedly ripped off a lot of money from people in the States, Panama, Costa Rica, and here in Belize.  He's had a number of different aliases, and the list of charges he's acquired keep coming.  Some of which are:  "Outstanding arrest warrants in the United States for parole violation, security fraud and other fraud related cases under the name of Richard D. Cover Jr."  According to the other online websites, he's also had the other aliases, another one being:  R.J. Erwin.  In addition, he had a wife and child in San Pedro, as well as another wife and children that he abandoned in the States. 

It seems as if from all the research and personal horror stories I've read, "R.J." (the name he used on the island) is a SOCIOPATH! (Categorized within Antisocial Personality Disorder)  

What is a sociopath?

• "Someone whose social behavior is extremely abnormal. Sociopaths are interested only in their personal needs and desires, without concern for the effects of their behavior on others." (dictionary.com)
• "Sociopaths most readily defined by an inability to connect with the emotions of others. They are happy to exploit those around them when the situation suits them.  Sociopaths are difficult to treat because they rarely admit that they have a problem. Part of their condition entails rationalizing their behavior away, they often lie quite readily, and can be very convincing when they do. This makes them difficult to spot at times, even to trained professionals"  (ehow.com)

Traits of a sociopath:

• Glibness and Superficial Charm
  
• Manipulative and Conning
  They never recognize the rights of others and see their self-serving behaviors as permissible. They appear to be charming, yet are covertly hostile and domineering, seeing their victim as merely an instrument to be used. They may dominate and humiliate their victims.
  
• Grandiose Sense of Self
  Feels entitled to certain things as "their right."
  
• Pathological Lying
  Has no problem lying coolly and easily and it is almost impossible for them to be truthful on a consistent basis. Can create, and get caught up in, a complex belief about their own powers and abilities. Extremely convincing and even able to pass lie detector tests.
  
• Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
  A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.
  
• Shallow Emotions
  When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.
  
• Incapacity for Love
  
• Need for Stimulation
  Living on the edge. Verbal outbursts and physical punishments are normal. Promiscuity and gambling are common.
• Callousness/Lack of Empathy
  Unable to empathize with the pain of their victims, having only contempt for others' feelings of distress and readily taking advantage of them.
  
• Poor Behavioral Controls/Impulsive Nature
  Rage and abuse, alternating with small expressions of love and approval produce an addictive cycle for abuser and abused, as well as creating hopelessness in the victim. Believe they are all-powerful, all-knowing, entitled to every wish, no sense of personal boundaries, no concern for their impact on others.
  
• Early Behavior Problems/Juvenile Delinquency
  Usually has a history of behavioral and academic difficulties, yet "gets by" by conning others. Problems in making and keeping friends; aberrant behaviors such as cruelty to people or animals, stealing, etc.
  
• Irresponsibility/Unreliability
  Not concerned about wrecking others' lives and dreams. Oblivious or indifferent to the devastation they cause. Does not accept blame themselves, but blames others, even for acts they obviously committed.
  
• Promiscuous Sexual Behavior/Infidelity
  Promiscuity, child sexual abuse, rape and sexual acting out of all sorts.
  
• Lack of Realistic Life Plan/Parasitic Lifestyle
  Tends to move around a lot or makes all encompassing promises for the future, poor work ethic but exploits others effectively.
  
• Criminal or Entrepreneurial Versatility
  Changes their image as needed to avoid prosecution. Changes life story readily.

How can you identify/avoid sociopaths?

Recognizing a sociopath is not as easy as it may seem, despite the clear criteria provided by the DSMR-IV for diagnosis. Sociopaths can be very convincing and charming at first, especially at the beginning of relationships. A history of poor relationships, problems with the law, and excessive lying are just a few red flags to watch out for at the beginning. A lack of remorse, when noticed in a possible sociopath, is often a warning sign. It is nearly impossible to have a normal relationship with a sociopath, and in some cases, being involved with a sociopath can be dangerous. Their lack of regard for the welfare of others and typical lack of conscience can make sociopaths dangerous (associatedcontent.com)

Unfortunately, if you encounter a sociopath, you probably wouldn't even know it.  This has been the case for many victims in this particular instance.  It is essential that you know and understand your own weaknesses, and try to be more cautious of trusting individuals.  

I personally feel that the "negative Karma points" "R.J" has earned will be coming back around.  I feel empathy for all the victims, and am glad that he is finally in custody so he cannot rip off any more of my friends... good, trusting, HONEST people.

Anastasia

Always remember:     "Treat others as you'd want to be treated"

Links to articles:

Ambergris Daily

Amandala

San Pedro Sun

Panama-Guide

Clean bed, Clean head

What my walk to the gym looks like 

Hello friends!

Last night was fun at La Playa Lounge for ladies night!!!  The music was great--- and the videos actually matched up!  (For those of you that live in Belize, you understand that this is a BIG thing!) :)   The crowd was fun too.  There was a group of ladies celebrating a bachelorette party, lots of dancing, beautiful faces and bodies!  If you missed out, stay tuned for the next Playa event!

I got home last night, and as always, had a lot on my mind.  There have been some interesting things happening on the island-- I swear I'm on a reality show!  In addition to the "island drama", I have been dealing with issues that are important to me!  One of those, is another move--- possibly Mexico?  Who knows?

Either way, I was up late last night again, tossing and turning, with a million thoughts running through my head.  However, for the first day in a while, I woke up this morning and actually felt rested! This doesn't happen often, trust me! 

It was another beautiful day here in San Pedro!  It only ot up to about 88 degrees!  The humidity right now is 63%, and it couldn't have been much higher throughout the day.  The weather in San Pedro has been a lot cooler, since I've been here.  I'm rarely using my A/C!  Hopefully this will show in the electricity bills! :) 

I returned some emails, then met one of my girlfriends at the gym. 

For the last 3 months, I can honestly say that living here has helped me exercise.  Not because there are a million hot, toned bodies running around, but because I have really gotten over my "Self-diagnosed PTSD" that I have built up over the years- as a result of playing Division 1 College Volleyball.  (Another blog in itself, LOL!)

After the gym, I went to pick up half a chicken and some freshly made tortillas.  (This chicken was pre-cooked, because you all know what happened the last time I tried to debone a chicken!)  I finished up the rest of the day cleaning, doing laundry, and dishes.  Now, I'm just listening to some Reggaeton, while waiting for my laundry to be finished. :)

Stay tuned, I'll have another post tonight.  

Anastasia

Always remember:  "Clean bed, Clean head"

Doors, Fate, Faith, and Control

Relaxing on a hammock in Caye Caulker, Belize

Hello lovely readers!

I hope you had the chance to read the blog I posted yesterday regarding the topic of "self-validated intimacy."  This was actually a very deep blog for me to post, so if you'd like to read me getting down to the bare honesty and struggles that I've been going through, there is a good place to begin.

With that said, it seems as if things happen in my life that I wouldn't call "fate", yet far to interesting to call just a "coincidence".    I'm not going to go off on a huge philosophical, theological tangent, however the concept of a higher power interests and fascinates me.

I agree with the saying:

 "When one door closes, another opens"

I've noticed in my life, that once I accept something for what it is, and the fact that I cannot do anything about it, and AM OKAY with that, something fascinating happens.  As soon as the acceptance stage hits, doors open that I could have never imagined.  (My problem seems to be that I want to reach that stage before I am ready to, and its almost a false sense of acceptance).  Either way, in order for me to move on with my life, I have to go through a period of genuine acceptance of circumstances, and be content with the fact that I cannot control the situation. 

However, I completely disagree with the saying:

"Everything happens for a reason"

I feel that things happen because we create situations that yield into different situations.  We started on a path that could lead us down other potential paths, with different outcomes.  For instance, my last boyfriend broke up with me.  Well, (in part) what caused that was that I brought past relationship assumptions/behaviors into the current one.  That included mistrust, misplaced validation, insecurities, etc.  Well, if one were to use the argument: 

"Things happened for a reason- maybe you two weren't 'supposed to' be with each other"

I feel this is a completely ridiculous argument.  As living beings, it seems as if we need reasons to help understand things; we construct and assign meaning and value to things, people and situations.  Quite possibly, it might not have worked out.  However, the situation was, I brought in past relationships to the current one.  The path I was on was that of one I'd been on with past relationships.  If things would have worked out with past relationships, I might not have ever moved to Belize, and might not have ever met this boy.  Situations from the past, lead me into new situations.  Also, as I've moved along in life, I can look back and say, "It might not have worked with past relationships.  I'm glad I learned different things about others and myself.  What have I learned from those, to help me have a better relationship with the next person?"

It's what you make of the situation from hereafter.  So, the "reason" is actually constructed afterward.  I don't feel it is some miraculous God-sent message why things didn't work out.  Furthermore, you don't have to construct any reason at all.  It lies in the meaning and value you assign to the situation.  If I just forgot completely about ever dating him, deleted all the pictures, and suppressed all the memories, there wouldn't need to be "a reason".   As far as I'd be concerned, it never even happened.  If I give him no value, if he didn't mean anything to me, I wouldn't need a reason to help understand the situation.

 

A situation like a family member/friend dying (which we'd have nothing to do with), in that instance that saying would be used to help "move on" from the loss.  What can we take positive out of the situation to make the next better?  "Things happened for a reason, they were in a lot of pain...They are in a better place."  Now we feel better in mourning.  We know now, how to move on with our life and potentially handle the next death a little better, because we accepted the situation and assigned meaning. 

So, where lies the distinction between "fate" vs. a "self-driven path"? 

I'd like to distinguish between fate, and having faith.  I believe that the term fate is almost like a "get out of jail free card", and that the argument is: I can do whatever I want, because my "fate" has already been decided.  

Having faith is trusting that things will work out for the best, if I steer down the path in the right direction.  I have faith that if I do certain things, my life will "work out" for the better/best.  Fate is higher power driven, and faith is self driven.  But- this is not to say that you cannot have both...  I struggle with this all the time.  I honestly don't feel that we'll really ever know as humans... however, I buy into the fact that there are some things I can control, and some that I cannot.  

Usually, I try to control the things I cannot, and don't take enough control over the things I can control.

Take control over the things you can control.  Stop assigning meaning, and searching for "reasons" when there might not be any.  Things are going to be the way they are, and if I can truly accept that, doors will open that I could have never imagined.  Concentrate on me and what can be changed within me and my actions to ensure that things "work out" for the best.  

Anastasia

Always remember:   "The only person I can control is me"

"Self-validated intimacy"... bow chicka wow wow

10-17-10.  Michelle, Anastasia, and Jean.  Caye Caulker, Belize. 

Hey my peeps, 

I have been seriously lagging in the posting department, and I sincerely apologize to all of you!

Yesterday, I went on a short 20 minute boat ride to one of my favorite little islands here in Belize: Caye Caulker!

I took a lot of time to myself while I was on the island, just contemplating the direction of my life.  I've been having a difficult time recently, in the love department particularly. 

My best friend Todd, sent me an email about a week ago.  Within this email, were 3 scanned chapters from one of his reading requirements for a current college class.  The book is "Passionate Marriage" written by David Schnarch, Ph.D. 

Within this reading, it discussed the concept of two levels of intimacy, more specifically in regards to facing conflict within relationships. (Intimacy is defined as:  a close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group, from dictionary.com)  Schnarch claims that intimacy in relationships is developed "through conflict, self-validation, and unilateral disclosure," and NOT through "accumulated experiences of mutual trust, acceptance, empathy, validation, and reciprocal disclosure," as many marriage therapists claim  (p.103). These two differing perspectives are those of self-validated intimacy and other- validated intimacy, respectively.  

Now, before your perverted minds wander, 

Other-validated intimacy is the over-dependence upon your partner for your own validation and approval,  "the expectation of acceptance, empathy, validation, or reciprocal disclosure from one's partner" (p. 106).  When conflict arises and you face an "emotional gridlock" as Schnarch calls it,  other-validated intimacy occurs when there is low differentiation (the ability to maintain sense of self when pressure to conform).

This is the need to focus on self-presentation, rather than self-disclosure.  When you need a reflected sense of self and acceptance from your partner, your priority becomes getting the response you want.  This is adaption to reduce our anxiety about the differences our partner has.  However, this never provides the security and acceptance that the other-validated individual craves, because the partner never really knows the genuine self.  Additionally, other-validated intimacy allows for one partner to manipulate the others' reality.  One person's happiness is dependent upon the other. 

"Sounds" like: "I'll tell you about myself, but only if you then tell me about yourself.  If you don't, I won't either.  But I want to, so you have to.  I'll go first and then you'll be obligated to disclose- it's only fair.  And if I go first, you have to make me feel secure.  I need to be able to trust you!"

Self-validated intimacy involves providing support for yourself while letting yourself be known.   It is reliant upon "a person maintaining his/her own sense of identity and self-worth when disclosing, with no expectation of acceptance or reciprocity from the partner"  (p. 106)  This is dependent upon one's ability to maintain a clear sense of oneself when loved ones are pressuring for conforming and sameness.  This involves the relationship with yourself, as well as your relationship with your partner.

"Sounds" like:  "I don't expect you to agree with me' you weren't put on the face of the earth to vailidate and reinforce me.  But I want you to love me- and you can't really do that if you don't know me.  I don't want your rejection- but I must face that possibility if I'm ever to feel accepted or secure with you.  It's time to show myself to you and confront my separateness and mortality.  One day when we are no longer together on this earth, I want to know you knew me."

Although these two forms of intimacy are brief examples and are explained much clearer in the book, I've realized that what I like to call "codependency" is more like other-validated intimacy.  I don't always seek out validation from others when in friendship roles.  However, when in romantic relationships, it is a very different story.

I guess I've always seen intimacy and reciprocation as synonymous.  I've shared the belief that therapists and marriage couselors have had, about empathy, understanding, willingness to compromise, listening, acceptance, validation and reciprocal disclosure- as fundamental ingredients to healthy, successful relationships.

There's my problem!   Intimacy is NOT synonymous with reciprocation!

 

When "push comes to shove" and conflict arises in relationships, I've had the tendency to try to alleviate my anxiety by obliging to the other person, only ensuring more dependency upon that other person for acceptance.  This occurs in other-validated intimacy relationships, and within low-differentiated people.  (People that have a difficult time maintaining sense of self when pressured to conform).  I have always encouraged and pushed honesty in relationships- and have been under the delusion that if I was being honest, open, sharing, understanding, empathetic, and willing to compromise, the other person would/could/should be.  I have been confusing reciprocity with intimacy the entire time!

"You have to love yourself first, before you can love anyone else",  has never made any sense to me. I think its because I had a definition problem.  My definition of love has always included intimacy, affection and reciprocation.  

However-  Love, intimacy, affection, and reciprocity are all separate things!

Examples that each are separate:

• I can love you without loving myself, but I cannot be intimate with you.
•  I love my close [male] friends, am insecure, but will not enter into a "more serious" relationship with them
• I can love you while loving myself, but it doesn't mean you have to reciprocate the love.
• In a romantic relationship, I can love you, I can love myself, but cannot require you to love me back
• I can be affectionate with you, without being intimate.  
• I can show you physical affection without wanting to be close with you (get to know you).
• I can be affectionate and intimate with you, without loving you.
• I can show you physical affection and be open with you, as far as who I am.  We can bond and get to know each other, but I can do so without loving you.
• I can be affectionate and intimate with you, while loving you, but not loving myself.
• I can show physical affection, disclose selective information to you (reflected sense of self), love you, but not be secure with who I am and love myself.

Maybe the above can show a little clearer what scenarios run through my head, and why I might have been a little confused.... :)

AFFECTION  ≠  LOVE  ≠  RECIPROCITY  ≠  INTIMACY

Ultimately, in order to have a long lasting relationship, you must be able to challenge yourself, your own beliefs, and have the courage to stand up to someone you care about (or love), in order to maintain your sense of self.  Ironically, the author stresses over and over again, that as partners move away from other-validated intimacy and towards self-validated intimacy, the partners receive more validation and acceptance from the other, spontaneously.

I hope this helped some of you like it helped me.

Anastasia

Always remember:   "You cannot truly love me without knowing me"

A letter to my friends, past and present

Hey lovely readers!

Today was an interesting day.  Its not that I did anything in particular, or even did anything for that matter.. but interesting, none the less.  With that said, I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching recently.

My birthday is coming up! (24 October for those of you wanting to get me a present)  :)    Now that I'm getting older, I use it as a time to look back over the last year and reflect on the journey.  (Whereas years ago, I'd use it as yet another excuse to get obliterated drunk!)  :)

A lot of you don't know everything that I've been though, the struggles, the accomplishments.   The loves, the heartbreaks.  

The happiness, joy and life... and the sadness, pain and strife.  

I didn't think I would be where I am today.  In both good and bad ways.

My 10 year reunion is coming up in November.  These are things you probably want to know about me if you went to my high school:

• I don't have a job.
• I don't have a husband.
• I don't have kids.
• I don't own a house.
• I don't have a car (a little hard on the island) :)
• I don't have a boat.
• I don't have expensive clothes.
• I gain and lose weight all the time. 
• I live in a modest one bedroom condo in a 3rd world country. 

There.  Now I don't have to go to the reunion.
  



Here is a list of who I am:

• I am passionate, intense, and caring.
• I am a loving daughter, sister and friend.
• I would do anything for any of my friends.
• I am smart, witty, funny, and insightful.
• I am empathetic, sensitive, and kind.
• I am goofy, love to laugh and love making people laugh- even at my expense.
• I am both sarcastic and serious,  patient and impatient, independent, dependent, and codependent (haha),  hot and cold.
• I will always sublimate.

Unfortunately, the second list is much less important to a lot of people.  And that's okay. I have met people along the way that value who I AM, rather than what I have.

I miss friends from home:  those that have been there for me- through the ups and downs.  

• I miss my childhood friends I've grown apart from.  The ones who I can call without talking for years, but pick up like the time never passed.
• I miss my party friends, and hope they are all doing okay.  Jesus, we had some crazy-fun times!
• I miss my party friends I have now- those that I WISH I would have partied with... ;)  (All of Bill W's friends...) You all have shown me that you love me, no matter who I am.  You helped me build confidence back within myself to stand on my own in front of the world and proudly declare my place.
• I miss the friends I have made in Belize that have moved away and may or may not come back.  I might not see you ever again,  but you were my friends for who I am.  You liked me- for me.  You might know me more than a lot of people.  
• And of course, I miss my family that will be there for me until each of their last breaths.  And Todd, if you're reading this- you are in this category. :) 

I've learned many things about myself, especially after moving to another country.  I've learned a lot about life and others' perceptions.  I've confirmed beliefs as well as expelled stereotypes about certain things. 

I might not have many possessions, or things to brag about-  but I have PEOPLE in my life that I am grateful for and experiences that have molded me.  

Despite everything... the most important thing is to keep going.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep moving forward.  Keep breathing.  Take the days one at a time.  Keep goals in sight, but not out of reach.  And as "elementary school" as it sounds-  Never give up. 

Anastasia

Always remember:   "Age is just an anomaly"

Just one of those days

Hey everyone, 

You know those days where you just get up, and you don't feel awesome?  Something just gets you... 

Well, you guessed it... 

That's today for me.  I have something on my mind that is jamming me up, and its somewhat of an internal struggle.  I'm trying to make myself feel better, but it really isn't working.

People say, "Just do something to distract you..."

Ok, so I've been working.  A lot.  Work work work- gotta fill the time.  It helps pass the time.. but then I stop working, and there's the issue again.  I feel that "distracting" myself is just another form of running from the issue.

So what else can I do?

If I sit there, and think about it, and try to resolve it... then I get sucked even further into the madness of "what ifs" and "I should haves".  Furthermore, I make the situation worse by assigning and assuming meaning to something that might not have any...

Unfortunately, I know that nothing can immediately solve the issue.  There is nothing I can do at this moment, but accept things as the way they are.  I have no other option, unless I want to keep driving myself insane, or keep losing sleep.  

There are some people, things and situations in my life that I cannot control...  I have to accept things as the way they are and move on.

Anastasia

Always remember:   "Acknowledging and accepting powerlessness is powerful"

Why not try?

Sunset on the Carib

It's Tuesday, you're probably counting down the minutes until you get off work from your crappy, unfulfilling job, getting ready to go home to a significant other, maybe a few crazy kids, and more stress.  If you're single, you're probably going home to your lonely place, maybe a kid or two, or an animal that needs to be fed.  Shampoo, rinse, repeat?

If someone asked you to describe your life in a few words, what words would you choose?  

*** Really... THINK about it... which words would you choose?***

Consistent?  Stressful?  Predictable?  

Do these words describe how you imagined your life?

I did something today that I thought I'd never ever ever ever ever ever do.  I shared a video with you of me singing.  This inspired me to try to do one thing a week (daily isn't realistic), to do something I've never done before- due to fear (singing), ability, or opportunity.  

I don't ever want to reach that level of "complacency".  I want to overcome fears and grow.  I want to learn new things, pick up new hobbies.  Find out things about myself that I never knew.  I want to live more free-spirited.  I want to enjoy life for everything it has to offer.

Anastasia

Always remember:   "Our doubts are traitors, and make us lose the good we oft might win by fearing to attempt"  (Shakespeare)